The Devil-In-Your-Ear Listicle
“I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered” — George Best, legendary Manchester United footballer
This whole mindfulness and wellbeing ‘thing’ is a bit much, isn’t it? Life’s hard enough as it is without trying to do it perfectly.
Instead, try stuff that’s made people feel better for generations.
I am the devil-in-your-ear and here are 6 things you can do right now, which will make you feel good.
1. Get Your Credit Card Out And Treat Yourself
If debt was so bad, why would so many of the world’s biggest economies have so much of it? It seems silly to earn the money first then buy the thing you want, when you can just do it the other way round.
You’ve got to choose your purchase wisely though.
Go for something that looks great but is just a needlessly over-blown version of an item you could get much cheaper. That way you look better than all the normal people who just have the regular one.
The key is to make people jealous and assume you’re mega-rich and successful, which we all know equals happiness.
2. Crack Open A Can. Hell, Have A Whole 6-Pack
In the good old days, worked finished at 5pm and by 505pm we all had a beer in our hands. I really don’t know why that has changed. Somewhere in your town there’s a good honest barkeeper that would love your business. Make their day.
Did you know that the great pyramids of Egypt were built on beer? It was an efficient way of getting energy on board.
Beer was an essential for labourers, like those who built the pyramids of Giza, who were provided with a daily ration of 1⅓ gallons (over 10 pints). — The British Museum Blog
Those pyramids got built pretty solidly, so you can’t tell me that a little sharpener doesn’t make the work day — in fact any day — go better.
The great thing about alcohol is it makes you think less intelligently and act more instinctively, so that’s going to make the next few steps a lot easier.
3. Eat The Food You Actually Want To Eat
Time management is big these days. So why waste hours trawling the aisles of Whole Foods only to be disappointed when the person before you nabbed the last alfalfa sprouts?
Just get takeout.
Takeout is amazing. You look on a menu that has a whole list of things you’d love to eat but don’t have the time to cook.
You order it, pay for it (it’s pretty cheap because the people who work there don’t get often get paid much and the ingredients aren’t pretentious, so it’s a win-win) and then you get a load of tasty food delivered right to you.
There’s a decent amount of calories in takeout too, so that’s good news — you don’t have to worry about finding them elsewhere.
Body taken care of, let’s focus on feelings.
4. Have A Good Old-Fashioned Argument With Someone
You know what feels great? Telling someone who’s annoying you how you really feel about them.
People these days are smart. They realise that when you have an argument about something minor, it can be because there is actually something majorly wrong under the surface.
This means you can go WAY over the top in your criticism of some tiny thing and never actually have to deal with the bigger issue. Result.
Even better, once you’ve had a proper argument, that person will probably leave you alone for a bit. And that’s a good time to get your phone out.
So you can do this…
5. Go On Social Media And Learn
Education is important, we all know that.
The great news is that these days there are millions of helpful facts and opinions available via Insta, Twitter, Facebook, TikTok and probably a few other ones we all claim to have heard of but don’t really know what they do.
A smart approach on social media is to find some people with really similar opinions to you and then just block, ignore or make snide comments about everyone else.
After all, who’s got time for people who think differently?
If the leader of your country is active on social media then definitely follow them and always believe everything they say. It’s good to be a responsible citizen after all.
You can pick up some bargains via social media too. Celebrities (especially lower level ones) are reliable sources of quality products, because they test them and know they work well. Sometimes they give you a discount too.
Now it’s time to close things out on a real high. You’ve been wanting to do this for ages and now is the time.
(Before you do, have another couple of drinks. It’ll make everything go better.)
Ok, here we go…
6. Call Your Ex
They definitely want to hear from you. I mean, all that time together meant something, right?
The good thing is, you’re a little drunk now so you’ll be able to say the perfect words in the ideal way, just as you should have done all those years ago.
It’s late I know, but that can work in your favour.
They’re unlikely to be in the middle of doing anything else, except maybe sleeping, but even if you do wake them up and sound a little tipsy, that just makes it clear how much you care.
Ignoring everything which made you split up in the first place, you guys were really good together.
Sometimes the universe gives you a sign to just ‘Go for it.’ This is that time!
Six steps complete. Don’t you feel better? You are winning at life, trust me.
And the best news of all?
You can do it all again tomorrow.
(This article is a joke. Of course I don’t recommend these 6 things as a way to improve your life. We all do some or all of them a lot though, don’t we?)